Be your own valentine x
This is the month that retailers and marketeers try to get us thinking about romance - or at least cuddly toys and chocolates, which is what they think that romance is.
Before you focus on your relationships, romances and potential Valentine's, it is vital that you think about the most important relationship you will have in this lifetime - the relationship that you have with yourself.
Self-love is the most important fundamental thing.
People in lockdown are spending a lot more time with their partners and spouses, and a lot of those people are finding that the relationship changes and deepens in positive ways. Others are finding that actually maybe the relationship isn't what they thought it was and they are deciding to leave it.
Imagine if there was no way to leave it - if there was no divorce, no separation, no way out of the house, no way out of the bedroom. That you would be stuck in that room with that man for the rest of your life.
That's what it's like when you don't love yourself.
You are stuck in a very small intimate space 24/7 with somebody that you'd rather not be around. That is torture.
We absolutely would not tolerate people outside of our minds whom we don't like being around us like that, but so many of us tolerate having the enemy within. The problem is that if there is a negative voice talking to you all the time it totally screws your perception of what is going on in your life. It is seeing through a glass darkly. It poisons and shits all over everything that you try to create, try to begin, try to do in your life, and everything you try to give. Everything is besmirched by this negative voice.
You need to start with being your own biggest fan. That starts with language, with not judging yourself, stopping with all the "that's bad, that's good, you should do this, you should do that," statements. It starts with developing a tone of voice, a style of voice, that is nurturing, non-judgemental and compassionate. I get clients to think about people in their life who have been that voice for them. Or if you have no one like that perhaps you have children, and hopefully your parenting voice is calm and patient and nurturing. Bring those voices to yourself.
Changing the sound of the voice and changing some of the words that the voice says can be a really good start. You can also develop some positive mantras for the voice to say instead. You might not be able to say "I love you" yet, but belief change is a ladder. What is it that you actually feel about yourself right now? Do you actually hate yourself? Are you contemptuous of yourself, do you despise yourself, resent yourself? Are you ashamed of yourself? Whatever that feeling is, just start by saying something just a bit less negative instead. For instance "there are parts of myself that I can accept." "There are parts of myself that are okay." "I have done some good things in the past." Then gradually start working your way up, with daily mantras, until saying "I love you" to yourself is possible.
This all takes time. It might take 3 months, 6 months, and it is hard work. It is worth it because not only will it change everything that is going on outside of you because your perceptions will be different, but most importantly it will change the indoor environment you have to live in 24/7. That mental torture will cease. It will be absolutely transformative.
Self-love is also the most amazing body armour. If you put on a few pounds, if you mess up at work, if you make a mistake in a relationship, or anything where you are not optimal (because you're human and you're not going to be optimal all the time), you just don't really care what other people think anymore when you have self-love.
I have clients who at the moment base their lives around the fear of what somebody else might say if they make the wrong decision. What somebody else's judgement might be. That is a hostage situation. When you love yourself enough you are basically saying, like you do to a child, "my love for you is unconditional. If you hit another kid in the playground I'm not going to say that's great. It's not optimal. But, it won't change at all how I feel about you, I will still absolutely love you to bits. I will help you work on it so that you change that behaviour, because you will end up happier as a result, but you do you. It is not going to change how I feel about you."
Being able to look at myself in the mirror and say "wow. That was a fuck up. Okay. Do you know what? I am still your biggest fan. Learn from it, move on. End of." is the most important thing that has kept me sane during lockdown. Being able to live with myself has made it a lot easier for the other people in my household, that I am calm and fairly positive and upbeat and happy in myself, even if I am unhappy with certain things that are happening outside of myself.
Self-love sets the energy, sets the tone, and makes it easier for other people to catch on to that energy and follow that tone. It also allows you to get real about stuff, it allows you to notice when things are not acceptable, when you are not being optimal, because you can do it without judgement. You are not going to give yourself a hard time about it. So you can engage in growth, you can engage in change, you can engage in development, you can set goals for yourself and strive for them, knowing that if you somehow don't manage to achieve that goal it's okay because you will still love you and you will just get up and try again.
All of that self-improvement becomes possible when you are your own nurturing, compassionate cheerleader.
Happy Valentine's.
Beth x
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Your relationship with yourself is the most enduring and important one you'll ever have, allow yourself to nourish and deepen it, so you can feel better inside, have more confidence and self-esteem, and enjoy life more.
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