Be your own Valentine

Be your own valentine x

This is the month that retailers and marketeers try to get us thinking about romance - or at least cuddly toys and chocolates, which is what they think that romance is.

Before you focus on your relationships, romances and potential Valentine's, it is vital that you think about the most important relationship you will have in this lifetime - the relationship that you have with yourself.

Self-love is the most important fundamental thing.

During Covid lockdown, we started spending more time with our partners/spouses, and often found the relationship changed and deepened in positive ways. Others found that, actually, maybe the relationship wasn't what they thought it was and they decided to leave it.

Imagine if there was no way to leave it - if there was no divorce, no separation, no way out of the house, no way out of the bedroom. That you would be stuck in that room with that person for the rest of your life.

That's what it's like when you don't love yourself.

You are stuck in a very small intimate space 24/7 with somebody that you'd rather not be around. That is torture.

We absolutely wouldn't tolerate people we dislike being around us like that, but so many of us tolerate the enemy within. The problem is that if there is a negative voice talking to you all the time, it totally screws your perception of what is going on in your life. It is seeing through a glass darkly. It poisons everything you try to create, try to begin, try to do in your life, and everything you try to give. Everything is besmirched by this negative voice.

You need to start with being your own biggest fan. That starts with language, with not judging yourself, stopping with all the "that's bad, that's good, you should do this, you shouldn't do that," statements. It starts with developing a tone of voice, a style of voice, that is nurturing, non-judgemental, and compassionate. I get clients to think about people in their life who have been that voice for them, like a parent, teacher, or friend. Or if you have no one like that, perhaps you have children, and hopefully your parenting voice is calm and patient and nurturing. Bring those kinder voices to yourself.

Changing your tone and content is a really good start. You can also develop some positive mantras for the voice to say instead. You might not be able to say "I love you" to yourself and mean it yet, but belief change is a ladder. What is it that you actually feel about yourself right now? Do you actually hate yourself? Are you contemptuous of yourself, do you despise yourself, resent yourself? Are you ashamed of yourself? Whatever that feeling is, just start by saying something just a bit less negative instead. For instance "there are parts of myself that I can accept." "There are parts of myself that are okay." "I have done some good things in the past." Then gradually start working your way up, with daily mantras, until saying "I love you" to yourself is possible.

This all takes time. It might take 3 months, 6 months, and it is hard work. It is worth it because not only will it change everything that is going on outside of you because your perceptions will be different, but most importantly it will change the indoor environment you have to live in 24/7. That mental torture will cease. It will be absolutely transformative.

Self-love is also the most amazing body armour. If you put on a few pounds, mess up at work, or make a mistake in a relationship, you just don't really care what other people think anymore. Yes, you can give yourself honest feedback and learn from your mistakes, but you no longer have to believe the negative feedback from others, or beat yourself up for it every day for the rest of your life. If you got a sum wrong in school, a decent teacher would point out the mistake and show you how to get it right from now on - but they wouldn't call you an idiot, and tell you you're hopeless at maths...that's the difference self-love makes.

I have clients who have based their lives around the fear of what somebody else might think or say if they make the wrong decision. That is a hostage situation. When you love yourself, you are basically saying, "my love for you is unconditional. When you let yourself down I'll gently let you know, because I'll always be truthful with you, and want to help you learn and grow - but nothing will ever change how I feel about you". Try reading that quote out loud to yourself, how did that make you feel inside?

Being able to look at myself in the mirror and say "wow. That was a fuck up. Okay. Do you know what? I am still your biggest fan. Learn from it, move on. End of." has been so helpful on my own healing journey. Being able to live with myself allows me to feel peace and positivity, even if I am unhappy with certain things that are happening outside of myself.

Self-love sets the energy, sets the tone, and makes it easier for other people to catch on to that energy and follow that tone. It also allows you to get real about stuff, it allows you to notice when things are not acceptable, when you are not being optimal, because you can do it without judgement. You are not going to give yourself a hard time about it. So you can engage in growth, you can engage in change, you can engage in development, you can set goals for yourself and strive for them, knowing that if you somehow don't manage to achieve that goal it's okay because you will still love you and you will just get up and try again.

All of that self-improvement becomes possible when you are your own nurturing, compassionate cheerleader.

Happy Valentine's.

Beth x

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