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Go boldly
I gave this talk on International Women's Day 2020 at a charity event hosted by Wonderfully Made Woman. The slogan of that day was 'Each for Equal' as you will see below, and I wanted to share my talk here as it is still very relevant a year on. I hope you enjoy it.
"'Each for Equal' - what a brilliant theme for today's celebration of womanhood! But what does ‘eachFORequal’ mean? If you are 'for' something, it sounds like it’s still up for debate and not taken as read. It sounds like a campaign slogan. Nobody says, 'I'm all for hair, it keeps your head warm', they don't say 'I'm all for food, it's so good for filling your belly' but equality, the equal value of all human beings on Earth, that is an issue still in play. I would say, as a devoted feminist that the war is still raging. Each IS equal- that’s what we’re fighting for on International Women’s Day. Equality that has been enshrined in law is still openly flouted, equal pay? That is not happening across the board yet.
When I was younger, I was asked at every job interview something like 'and what are your plans for a family?' long after it was decided that asking a woman that sort of question in an interview was sexist. When I took time out to raise my kids, employers looked at my CV and thought, ‘well she's been out of the workplace for ages, what will she know?’ And now - people look at my age on a CV (I'll be 50 this year) and write me off as an oldie who'll probably retire in 5 years so isn't worth the investment. And this is my life as a white, able-bodied, cis-gendered, middle-class woman! I’ve got it easy!
Feminism has long wrestled with the concept of equality, what does equality actually MEAN for women beyond the basic rights of equal pay and having the vote? Every time there is a new wave of feminism, there is a new definition. For me, equality is about everybody just being themselves and by being themselves they are valued equally as having a unique contribution to make. Humanity is like a football team and different players have different strengths. There are carers, grafters, thinkers, dreamers, warriors, creators and complex as we are, most of us have many of those elements within us. And as we've gone through life, we've had experiences and learned things that give us a unique perspective through which those elements of us manifest.
The new empowered model is that in a team, or a couple, each person has strengths and weaknesses. The team plays to its strengths and compensates for its weaknesses so as a whole, the couple or team is stronger together than individually. That model can be extended to the whole of humanity, because everyone has something to contribute that will open another person’s eyes or another person’s heart. The Israeli Army has an interesting system of leadership, where, depending on the nature of the particular mission, they choose the platoon member with the best skill set and nominate them as leader for that mission, even though they may be a lower rank than others in the group. It's the ability, skill or experience that's valued, not your place in the hierarchy.
As women in relationships with men today, we could do with a little bit of help from the Israeli military, believe it or not. Being equal means that each partner has strengths – some of those strengths will be the same, some different. What that boils down to is that the woman will be BETTER at some things than the man and this is where we have problems. I made the mistake of being a better driver than my ex-husband. This was qualitatively measured in terms of bumps, scrapes and the ability to parallel park. But driving is traditionally seen as a male expertise so he had an issue with it. Funnily enough, he didn't have an issue with me being better than him at the washing up – a traditionally female area of expertise!
So what's scuppering the current model of equality is territory. Men are fine at being equal with women in areas that are traditionally classed as women's work, they are not so fine when women dare to stray onto male territory and outclass them in their own backyards.
Now let me be clear, I’m not here bashing men on International Women’s Day, no. I love men! Our problem is that the patriarchal system, that’s been poisoning us for over 500 years decided that the genders are not to be considered equal. This is outdated in many ways and men suffer under this construct just as women do. We are all pressured to conform to outdated gender roles and we all have a duty to shake those off, so that humanity can move forward. But it’s International Women’s Day and I’m all about inspiring and empowering women to do their bit…
So, here's what I think we women need to overcome this issue of male vs female territory. We need to be BOLD. This is a word I've fallen in love with over the past 6 months or so and I now run a group coaching programme for women, to help them kick ass in life and it's called BOLD Goals.
So BOLD, boldness - I hereby officially claim these words for the sisterhood. Bold is feeling curious about life and actually going and finding answers, even if it takes time and expense, even our loved ones or society disapproves. BOLD is feeling the fear and doing it anyway, it’s doing it your way, being authentically you. It's owning your gifts and following your passions, no matter whose territory they take you into.
BOLD is maverick and unapologetic, just as it is courageous and loving. Many of us women were not raised with BOLD as an option, we have to tiptoe tactfully through life, being nice. Remember, sisters, that you earned an equal place in this world just by being born. In the swing park of life, you are allowed on the swings, the slide and the roundabouts, even if it means you have to elbow a few boys aside to have your turn. You are allowed to run all over the world, exploring everything, enjoying its delights with gusto and leaving sticky finger marks, or even scratch marks, wherever you go. BOLD is feeling your share of the entitlement that at the moment is being hogged by the patriarchy.
As a survivor of childhood abuse and then later, domestic abuse – I’ve had to work very hard to embrace ‘bold’. I was left with so much fear and distrust of men and low self-esteem, which meant I didn’t see myself as an equal to anyone. It has been a long, hard road back to confidence and happiness but ‘bold’ has been very much something I’ve had to work towards, crawl towards at times. But now I have fully claimed ‘bold’ it fits me perfectly, like a second skin. I can now stride confidently into traditional male territory and do what I’m great at doing and if I can be bold like this – then every other woman and girl can too.
Let us march boldly through life sisters, being great at what we are great at, unashamedly fabulous and shining. Let us boldly offer our men a new model of equal, a model based on the sharing of skills and strengths in a non-gendered way. A loving couple is made up of 2 beings, who just may happen to have different wobbly bits. For each to be equal, they need to work as a team, dividing up the responsibilities of life according to ability, not gender and then each can feel proud of the contribution they make, each can be proud of the other - both can be happy.
We women can love as boldly as we can live and even if we can’t influence our current relationships to the extent that we would like - we can raise our sons to appreciate bold women and we can be bold and beautiful role models to our daughters and other women around us.
So make a scene, kick up a stink, cause a loud and proud hullaballoo - take up space, YOUR God-given space BOLDLY.'
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